C H A P T E R T W O
“Caring For Your Soul”
THE SOUL IS A LIVING THING that is powerful and also fragile. Our soul is indestructible but it can also be weakened with a lack of care. If you lose your soul connection, it does not matter how much money you have, where you live, your level of education, or whether you are married or single. If you are not connected to your soul, you will never feel peace and will never have a sense of contentment. When someone has lost her soul connection it will show in her eyes in a vacant look, even if everything in her life seems perfect. When you see someone who is present in her eyes, you know she is in touch with her soul.
When we lose the connection to our soul we often try to fill the void from the outside. We buy a new house, we get married, we get divorced, we make changes we hope will make us feel better, or we numb the pain of disconnection with drugs and alcohol. Moving to a new state or new a country will not make a difference if the same soulless version of you continues to direct your life.
I've learned to work on matters of the spirit first, having faith that everything else will fall into place once a foundation with God is set.
Your Purpose
How can you act in your own best interest until you know God and know your life purpose? This is the place to begin. With the understanding of your purpose firmly in place, you will then be ready to take action—the kind of action that will be fulfilling and that will support you in staying on track.
I believe every human being has a purpose on this planet and that this soul-purpose is written in our very DNA. A plan for our potential was put forth even before we were born. The question for each of us is, will I carry out God’s plan for my life or will I work against my own agenda? Our soul's purpose should not be confused with our job or position in life. Our purpose can be fulfilled in many creative ways and in almost anything we do.
Begin with the question, why were you born? Spend time asking the question and praying and listening for an answer. Ask God, What do you want me to do? How can I be your hands, your feet , your eyes, your ears? Who do you want me to touch during my lifetime? Once you determine your purpose, you will know how to take care of your soul. Your purpose will act as your guide to right action.
I have a friend who was so soul sick that she said she just wanted to get in her car and drive to Canada, leaving her old life behind. If I thought she was in touch with her soul's purpose at this point, I would have encouraged her to do just that. But her cry was one of distress and she wasn't inspired about what to do next, so I offered to help her sort things out. Because this friend was a lawyer with a private practice and might be stressed out about running her own business, I checked in with another friend who was an attorney to see if she could advise our heartsick friend. The second friend, a government lawyer, was free of the stresses of making payroll and generating business, but she said that even with retirement, full insurance, and paid vacations, she didn't feel solid and safe and wasn't content.
I knew both friends worked hard and both were in very different work situations, but each told me they could not even remember the last time they had felt joy. I asked each woman what she did feel, and both described being very much out of touch with their feelings and certainly were not in touch with their souls.
As the discussions unfolded, I realized that as quickly as I made my suggestions about changes that might support a more joy-filled life, the more I heard excuses about how things couldn't be better, wouldn't change, and that this misery was just part of the career. But was that really true? I talked to a third friend, Florence, who is an immigration attorney. She explained how much she loves her work, how fulfilled she is by it, and every time she speaks about her cases I see a light in her eyes. She is full of enthusiasm, passion, and God is at work in her. It is easy to see that her professional skills and training and her soul's purpose are well-aligned and that this is what brings her joy.
It is always a soul thing. The other two lawyers who are miserable have somehow lost their soul connection and they aren't even actively trying to get it back, but are suffering unhappy lives and blaming their work as the root cause. How aligned are you with your purpose and how does your work support it? As I speak around the world, I see so many brilliant people, men and women alike, who are burned-out and who have lost their soul connection. If you have lost your soul connection, you'll need to address that issue before you begin to work on anything more "practical." Once you connect with your soul's purpose, you'll be able to see what changes to make and how to proceed, but until them go gently.
Basic Soul Care
Every day you must do something, even if it's just something small, to nourish your soul so that you are always moving in the direction of God. The frightening thing about losing a soul connection, is that it can happen so incrementally that you might not even realize you are losing touch. It is like the example of putting a frog in tepid water and raising the temperature of the water so slowly that the frog does not understand it is dying. If we ignore the more subtle symptoms of being out of touch with our soul, we can find ourselves in a desperate situation.
On the other hand, daily attention to the soul brings both inward and outward joy. Here are some important ways we can nourish our soul.
- Do not be careless with your words or thoughts and don't gossip or use your words to harm others.
- Do not judge, but instead try to find compassionate connection with people, and show kindness to everyone with whom you have contact.
- Become a giver of that which you can give without being depleted, and do so with joy and generosity.
- Be patient and slow to anger, process and release anger, and be tolerant and understanding of yourself and others, and learn to wait on the Lord.
- Make sure your words and deeds are congruent and honest.
- Show pure love to yourself and to everyone else and offer forgiveness easily.
- Honor your connection to God and give it importance in your life.
I try to remember that what I put in my mind is just as important as what I put in my body. I know that junk food and junk thoughts are not soul nourishing, but that good books always lift my spirit. My purse is a mobile library. I always have a book with me. I read every where I go, while waiting in line, or waiting for a meeting to start. Sometimes, when someone else is late for a meeting I don't even realize it, because I am lost in an inspiring book. I listen to good music and books on tape in my car, and the time I could spend just "getting around" is time that instead takes me higher.
When Others Aren't On The Same Page
I am often asked how we can be loving toward others who don't share the same desire to live the Godly life we do. How can we respect them, yet not allow them to bring us down? We know that our most important connection is with God. Once that relationship is in order, we are ready to look with gentleness at ourselves and at those around us. I've learned that speaking about what I'm trying to do in my life to people who don't share these interests is not fruitful and leaves me feeling too exposed. On the other hand, I don't want to live in ways that are not authentic, or miss opportunities to speak about sacred matters in ways that will inspire others.
Your inner guidance will help you know what to say and when to say it, and the more you tune into your soul, the more you'll be guided in all things. If you need to extend your circle to include more people who share your interests, that is a great way to build support for living a soulful life. Sometimes, not only do we need to change our inner dialogue with ourselves and God, but we also need to shift our environment and change even the people we hang out with. There are some incredibly negative people out there who can drain energy and cause us to lose power and life force very quickly. I've found that I can lovingly and prayerfully release them. Without confronting them and they just move gently out of my life.
Trusting God
It is possible that even though you are working hard, you feel you have nothing to show for your effort. When you have done all you can, just wait and trust. God is already working in your favor and he does not work with linear time. There is no yesterday or tomorrow—all is the same to God. Scripture tells us to turn things over to God and when we do we experience grace and everyday miracles.
The things that test and try us can be a powerful catalyst for change and so we can honor the struggle. I learned important lessons about taking care of my soul when my father died. My grief was hard to bear, but at my father's funeral not only did I hear about his religious faith, but I also heard from people he had helped directly, and the lessons of his life changed mine. My father did not have a lot of money, but he was still generous. He did not put off giving until he was in a position to do so easily—he gave based on what he had at that moment and he trusted in God.
A Sacred Promise
During my growing up, I saw my parents practice unconditional giving. They gave money, they gave advice and time. To this day, my mother is a wonderful listener and her prayers for people and her concern for them is an important part of her soul's purpose and her ministry. From her, I have learned to do something for my soul every day and to operate from the level of the soul in everything I do.
When we make a sacred promise to attend to our soul, we ask daily questions. Am I walking in integrity? Am I demonstrating with this act that I am my sister and my brother's keeper? Did I show love to someone today? Am I acting in ways that are consistent with my soul's purpose? It is a constant soulful inquiry. On any day, when the answer to these questions lets us know that we have not done our best, we can continue to affirm the sacred promise and be gentle with ourselves. We can try to do better tomorrow and stay in close contact with God. Practicing forgiveness calls us to forgive ourselves and to simply commit to trying again. There are always great lessons to be learned in the cycle of striving, failing, succeeding, recommitting, and making progress.
Vera Thomas is someone who made a sacred promise and now works to keep it. She does this with great humanity and courage. Her story is a perfect illustration of the challenges and joys of caring for the soul. She writes:
It was only during the midst of a terrible storm that I realized my place in Amber's life, and how much more I could help her attend to her soul.
Amber is my niece by marriage. She had previously lived with me for about six years prior to the time I divorced her uncle. In July, on a dreary summer day, when rain brought sheets of humidity, there she stood at my door. I knew about her present situation but had not seen her in person to confirm it. Amber was showing her pregnancy at six months and was only fifteen years old. Her eyes were weary and pain was evident even in her voice. She spoke softly and sadly, “Can I come in?”
At first, I wanted no part of this ordeal. Her uncle and I had been separated for over a year. Amber and I had only been related through marriage and I had just begun to pick up the pieces from my own broken life. I had sacrificed a four-bedroom home, a level of financial security, the luxury of family vacations, and the ability to continue to be a stay-at-home mom. But it had been worth it for the peace-of-mind I felt. My children and I were starting over with just the minimum—a small home in a remote area, government assistance, and a budget tighter than the lid of grandma’s canned peaches. But I felt nothing but gratitude knowing that I had a chance to live again, this time for God and not for man. Every day brought new strength and drew me that much closer to the unchanging love of God.
But here was Amber, and she was hungry, helpless, and homeless. It hurt my spirit to see her in such a desperate situation. With everything I had, I wanted to help her, but the past can affect even the most tender situations and allow doubt and fear to settle in and fester.
Amber and I had a rocky past. She had often criticized me and my methods for trying to raise her when she had lived with us. She had complained about me to anybody who had ears. Was I a terrible caregiver? No. I just wanted for Amber what nobody had ever given me. I thought she needed to be raised according to God’s word. There were rules and guidelines in my household that she had to follow. I expected her to get good grades, I wouldn't allow phone calls from boys without my permission, household chores had to be done and church was a privilege not a punishment. Well, in this day and age all of that seemed “old school.” She felt my guidelines were harsh and that I was keeping her away from the world.
The truth was that I hadn’t far left the places that she would have to journey through. And since she had lost her mother to drug and alcohol abuse, you’d think the world would be the last place she’d look to for guidance. I was convinced that if I had received half the raising she had been getting with me, life would have dealt me a much better hand. I was trying to save her from the life I had led. Amber tried every trick of the trade to bypass my rules, but as every parent would say, “You can’t pull that over me. I’ve tried everything you’ve tried and then some.”
When her uncle and I separated, he left her behind. It was an abusive relationship and his intentions were to leave me helpless with our three children and Amber, so that I wouldn't be able to make it on my own and would have to come running back. That didn’t happen. My ex had been physically, mentally, and emotionally abusive for ten years. And one day, I drew enough strength to say, “Enough is enough!” The determination I found in my new connection to God became my strength. Nothing could make me stay. I decided I'd rather live in a box and have a peace of mind than to stay in that mess! So I left. I packed what I could in a duffle bag, grabbed on to the love of my children and ran as fast as I could. Amber had remained with me six months after the ordeal of leaving.
Emotionally, I was a wreck at the beginning. I became withdrawn and felt flat. I often-times closed off from the world and hid in solitude. Amber, didn’t understand. She thought that I was neglectful and that I didn’t want her around. Amber decided my actions toward her were personal rather than pitiful. So, she found a way to locate her estranged dad of fourteen years and began to complain to him about having to live with me.
One cool Monday in October, when the leaves were just beginning to fall from the trees, Amber withdrew from school at his request. She had secretly packed her belongings over the weekend and left to live with her father. He had made promises to her about their new life together and she was excited. Very soon, she found that all of his promises were lies. There was no new life for her, but instead a hatred that had built up between them. He left her abandoned with a family she did not know and in living conditions she was not accustomed to. She was supposed to cook and clean for three other children near her same age and share a bed and her clothes with them.
Many times, the children were left in the house by themselves, and Amber also had to deal with frightening verbal abuse. As for her dad, he would disappear for weeks at a time until eventually he wasn’t around at all. Of course, she wanted to come back and live with me but there wasn’t much that I could do. Once her dad got legal custody, I had no rights. Besides, we were barely making it ourselves. I was making ends meet out of ends meat. I was spending more that I was bringing in and battling in court with my ex over everything from the mattress to the mortgage. I was uncontrollably losing weight, losing my hair from the stress, and undoubtedly my mind. Stability wasn’t something I could give her when I hadn’t acquired it yet myself.
That is when it happened. She met “the guy” who was going to take all her troubles away. What she didn’t realize was that no one can shelter you from the storm like the Lord, but she wasn't using that umbrella, so the storm was going to rip through her life. Honestly, I was in that same storm at the same time, had the umbrella in hand, but failed to use it.
So, there we stood on each side of my doorway. Amber wet from the summer rain, and I from the puddle of tears that soaked my cotton blouse. As I looked in her sorrowful brown eyes, I saw a very young version of myself. I had experienced so many doors slamming in my face with no one to let me in and guide me. I had to learn on my own the hard way. I knew I needed to do something for Amber. I couldn’t let her life continue to be a mirror of my own. We had lost so much. It was time to reclaim what was rightfully ours.
I stepped away from the entrance and let her in. We embraced one another like never before. Her heart pounded against mine and the life growing inside her danced from her cries. “God,” I prayed aloud, “guide us and strengthen us. Bless this journey that we are about to embark on together and keep us tuned in to your voice and vision. We need you to stand in the gap. Heal our wounds and restore our hearts. And most of all, Lord, thank you for bringing Amber back to me and her soul back to her. The road may be dangerous and the waters may be rough, but, dearest Lord, steer the course of our lives and guide us to salvation. Amen."
The last time I heard from them, Vera and Amber were doing just fine— and so is the lovely baby girl who blesses their home. Amber is on the honor roll at school and calls Vera "Mom," in honor of the role she so powerfully took on that rainy night. They are both living the truth that care of the soul is the first priority, the best way to solve problems, and the only way to get grounded in this world. We all build up from that.
Guard your soul like the treasure it is and use it as a rudder to steer your life. The grace we find in each day comes through love of ourselves and others, and most importantly, to our connection with our Creator.
